The Ydraw Guru — purveyor of nonsense knowledge, convoluted conclusions, wacky wisdom, and wrong-headed reasoning.

Q. Dear Ydraw Guru. What causes muscle cramps? tim

A. Snorkeling…in a wheelchair. Why? It is a simple matter of the scientific principle “form follows function.” Just look at a snorkel and doesn’t it look like a muscle cramp in action? It’s all twisted and makes you clench your teeth and breathe like Darth Vader. As for the wheelchair…I don’t dare say too much for fear of nasty comments from wheelchair manufacturers but the next time you go snorkeling in a wheelchair take notice if you don’t start to feel a big muscle cramp developing in your lungs.

Q. Dear Ydraw Guru: I was happy that Obama won the election but I know a lot of people are angry. Conservatives seem to favor the rich and liberals favor the poor. Isn’t there a way we can all be happy? Ellen.

A. Ellen, you’ve asked a question so easy to answer that it won’t display my powers of logic and reasoning to their fullest. But I suppose even easy questions need answers so here it goes.

It’s true that half of the country is happy right now and half is dismayed, depressed and even angry. But as Obama promised, hope and change are on the way. History and a little educated forecasting by yours truly shows us we are on the right path. You see in 1980 only about 20% of our population needed government assistance and now we’ve progressed to 47% with more progress to come. Here’s how it will work.

It’s really a simple cause and effect equation. As liberals raise taxes on the rich, the rich will layoff more people from their companies which will create more poor people on government assistance which will mean taxes will have to be raised on the rich again and there will be more layoffs and more poor on government assistance. Up to this point conservatives will still be unhappy but then the tide will start turn for them. The rich will not like the high taxes and many will try to escape with their money. The government won’t allow that because then they won’t have anyone to tax and so they will erect a strong fence along all our borders which should make conservatives happy that government will finally be controlling immigration. And conservatives will soon see another favorite program being enacted– the flat tax. To pay for people’s welfare needs the government will have to institute a simple flat tax (of 100%). The few rich people left will finally join the ranks of the poor and all will be equal. And if everyone is equally poor then one could also say everyone is equally rich. This means everyone will be rich which should make conservatives happy and everyone will be poor which should make liberals happy. I challenge anyone to find a flaw in this logic. All we need is a little patience for hope and change to take effect and make everyone happy. It is really as simple as that. Now on to important questions that cause me a little bit of strain.

Q. Why are men so visually stimulated?

A. Men…visually stimulated? Obviously, this question comes from a woman. (I’m a genius when it comes to women) This is a modern-day myth perpetuated by hair salons and beauty cream manufacturers. Think about it. When is the last time a man noticed that the bathroom had just been cleaned, or that you had just put a colorful bouquet of flowers on the table or that the kids were sticking spaghetti sticks up their nose? Have you ever heard your man as you walk in to the neighbor’s house and comment on the beautiful carpet or reply in surprise when you walk through the door, “Honey, you’ve done something new to your hair?” (Unless you just came back from chemotherapy and forgot to put on your wig.) The fact is men have a much higher threshold to overcome to get any visual response jolting through their synapses and registering in their brains. Just as women according to tests have a higher pain threshold which is why they put up with men in the first place.

Q. Why are gas prices so high?

A. It all has to do with inflation of the lower intestines and…oops, that’s another kind of gas. Filtering this through my massive reservoir of useless knowledge I realize now that you are referring to gasoline, the petroleum product. The short answer to your question about high gas prices is— Dentists.

Understanding why though takes a little more research and reasoning. You see oil workers learned that dentists get paid hundreds of dollars for drilling a few millimeters through a hard rocky substance while they are getting paid much less to drill for miles through another hard rocky substance. So the Petroleum Products Union (or the double P. U. as they are fondly referred to) investigated the reason why dentist are able to charge so much more for drilling so much less. The union employed a skilled mathematician who came up with this formula—D x P2 = $$$$. (Where D=dentist and P=-pain.) Therefore, the double P.U. deduced that people will pay a premium for pain. That’s why we now have higher prices called “Pain at the Pump.”

Such Simple Questions

Mark Swan the (Ydraw Guru)

Look forward to Part 30490 of the Ydraw Guru (coming next fall or next week)

The Ydraw Guru – Part 1057
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